Our Zombie Holiday (part 1)

by
Jordan Krumbine
Josh Todd


FADE IN:

INT. APARTMENT - BEDROOM - DAY
Lying in the bedroom of his one-bedroom apartment, JOSH twitches in his sleep, rolls over, groans, and then rubs his eyes. The bedside clock reads 11:45. There's a THUMPING from above and Josh groans again. He goes to the bathroom and relieves himself before stepping into the living room. The new projector is still on, projecting a television news station against the wall of the living room. Sleeping on the futon is JORDAN. On the floor is two pizza boxes and countless empty beer bottles.

Another THUMP and ROLLING from above and Josh looks up at the ceiling.

JOSH
... fucking neighbors ...

INT. APARTMENT - DAY
Josh goes to the kitchen and grabs a bottle of juice from the fridge. Scrawled on the dry-erase board is the message "MERRY DEVILMAS, FUCKER" and an arrow pointing up. Sitting on top of the fridge are two action figures molesting each other sexually. Josh grins, grabs his juice, and goes back to the living room.

Josh sits down and turns the volume on the television. The sound blasts out the news - something about an infection that's sweeping the nation at an alarming pace - and Jordan groans and rolls over. Josh flips through the channels, hitting the same news on each one. He shuffles through some of the DVDs at his feet and picks one out, putting it on. NIGHT OF THE EVIL LIVING UNDEAD PEOPLE OF THE NIGHT - PART 2 comes on. Jordan sits up, putting on his glasses.

JOSH (CONT'D)
Morning, bro.

JORDAN
What time is it?

JOSH
Like twelve or something.

Jordan stares at him.

JORDAN
Hardly morning.

JOSH
Yeah ... close enough.

Josh takes a swig of his juice. Jordan stares at the screen.

JORDAN
Did you just put this in?

JOSH
Yeah.

JORDAN
What is it?

JOSH
Zombie flick.

JORDAN
Weren't you just watching a zombie movie? Something about an deadly infection sweeping the nation ...

JOSH
Nah, that was just the news.

Jordan stares at Josh. Josh slowly meets his gaze. Suddenly, realization dawns and he clicks back to the TV news. They watch in wonder as scenes of the zombie invasion play out over broadcast news. A frenzy of mass hysteria is shown ...

THE DEAD WALK.

JORDAN
Dude ...

JOSH
Yeah, I know.

JORDAN
Look at the quality of that picture.

JOSH
Dude, this projector makes anything look good.

JORDAN
It was definitely a wise investment. You know, if there ever was one. I'm not gonna be able to watch television any other way now. This is ridiculous.

JOSH
Yeah, it's pretty sweet.

Josh clicks back to the DVD.

JORDAN
Dude - I was watching that.

JOSH
Yeah, but I wanna watch my zombie.

Jordan grabs the remote and clicks back.

JOSH (CONT'D)
You know ... I paid for that remote. It came with my nine hundred dollar projector. Moreover, I was watching a movie ... and you're keeping me from said movie. Now, had I went ahead and purchased the sniper rifle like I had intended to, we wouldn't be entangled in this dispute of ownership -

JORDAN
Dude, why the hell do you need a sniper rifle?! It's a waste of money and it only goes to show how much of a fucking redneck you are.

JOSH
Which is why I didn't get it, Jordan. Instead, I listened to your admittedly wise counsel and went with the projector because it would quote unquote enhance my day-to-day pleasure of living.

Jordan nods in agreement.

JORDAN
... wait, what are you trying to say?

JOSH
Gimme my fucking remote!

Jordan hands the remote over with a grumble. Josh clicks back to the DVD just as a newscamera is attacked by a zombie. The zombie movie continues.

JORDAN
Wait a minute ... Josh?

JOSH
(rolls eyes)
What?

JORDAN
I have to pee.

Jordan goes to the bathroom. When he comes back, there's more THUMPING from above. He sits back down on the futon.

JORDAN (CONT'D)
Dude, those people upstairs were at it all night.

JOSH
You get used to it.

JORDAN
It sounded like they were moving furniture. Who moves furniture at four in the morning? And did you hear that squelching noise?

Josh looks at him.

JOSH
Squelching? What the fuck is a squelch?

JORDAN
You know, kinda like a wet sucking?

JOSH
... you are completely preoccupied with sex, aren't you?

JORDAN
What? No!

JOSH
Sure ...

There's a SQUELCHING from above.

JORDAN
Like that! That's a squelch!

Josh looks up curiously. There's a great deal more of THUMPING.

JOSH
... I think we ought to check it out.

JORDAN
You mean, go upstairs?

Josh heads for the door.

JOSH
Yeah, let’s go.

JORDAN
Is that really necessary?

JOSH
C'mon, maybe we can find something for you to squelch.

JORDAN
Dude, you know I'm hooking up with Phoebe tonight.

JOSH
Alright, so maybe we can find something for me to squelch.

JORDAN
(nods)
Yeah, okay.

EXT. APARTMENT - DAY
Josh and Jordan walk first to the stairs, and then up them.

JORDAN
You know, I'm still feeling a little apprehensive about hooking up with a chick for just a day.

JOSH
You can see her again tomorrow before you head back down to Naples.

JORDAN
Well, yeah, but it's kinda setting things up for a long-distance relationship, you know? I don't want to do that again.

JOSH
Well, you just have to be sure not to get attached.

JORDAN
Josh, Phoebe and I have been talking on email for two weeks now. I really like her.

JOSH
(shrugs)
Be clear to her that tonight is just about the sex. Tell her it's a Devilmas tradition and that it just wouldn't be Devilmas without a onenight stand.

JORDAN
Dude, it’s not a one-night stand.

JOSH
Uh, dude, yes, it is.

JORDAN
One night stands are when you just meet the girl that night and then never see her again. That's a onenight stand.

JOSH
I beg to differ.

They stand in front of the door to the upstairs apartment.

JOSH (CONT'D)
If you've known the chick for any length of time and then you never see her after you fuck her for the first time, that's also a one-night stand. Everything beforehand was just build-up to the sex.

JORDAN
Yeah, but what if you were just friends?

JOSH
Just friends? Like there's ever such a thing. No one is just friends. Trust me. Everyone is constantly thinking about fucking someone. No dice, man.

JORDAN
No dice? Who the fuck says no dice?

JOSH
I say it. You would, too. If you were cool.

JORDAN
Dude, I'm cool.

JOSH
No, you're not.

JORDAN
Yeah, I am.

JOSH
Nope.

JORDAN
Look, if there's someone not cool here, it's totally you.

JOSH
Nah.

Josh knocks on the door and it creaks open.

JORDAN
... well that's creepy.

JOSH
Yeah ... let's go in.

He pushes through the door.

JOSH (CONT'D)
Hello? Anybody home?

Jordan and Josh get just inside the doorway and freeze. The apartment has been torn apart and THREE ZOMBIES and a ZOMBIE DOG are feasting on a still living woman. The zombies stare at them. A moment passes and then Jordan and Josh back out the door, closing the door behind them. They stand with their backs to the door.

JORDAN
... were those zombies?

JOSH
... yes.

JORDAN
And was that a zombie dog?

JOSH
I'm pretty sure it was.

JORDAN
They were totally eating that girl.

JOSH
Yep.

JORDAN
... I guess that explains the squelching, huh?

JOSH
Indeed.

INT. JOSH'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM

Josh and Jordan are back on the futon watching the TV news. The infection is an epidemic and people fear it will be the end of the world.

JOSH
It's finally happened.

JORDAN
A zombie invasion.

JOSH
Just like in NIGHT OF THE EVIL LIVING UNDEAD PEOPLE OF THE NIGHT.

JORDAN
Part one?

JOSH
Part two. Part one was about vampires and evil spirits.

JORDAN
Ah, right. Wait, weren’t there zombies in that one, too?

JOSH
Yeah, but it wasn’t like a zombie invasion or anything. Dude, from here on out, everything's gonna be about survival, you know?

JORDAN
Yep.

JOSH
We're probably going to end up killing hundreds of zombies.

JORDAN
Very likely.

JOSH
In the end, we'll probably be torn apart by them.

JORDAN
Either that, or get turned into zombies ourselves.

JOSH
Yep.

JORDAN
Yep.

JOSH
Should've bought the sniper rifle.

JORDAN
Probably.

JOSH
You told me to buy the projector.

JORDAN
I know.

JOSH
There's a zombie invasion, Jordan!

JORDAN
Hey, the projector seemed like the better investment at the time! How was I supposed to know that there'd literally be a zombie invasion the next day?!

JOSH
Well, you are Mr. Know It All!

JORDAN
I have never called myself that!

JOSH
Yeah, I know ... I really shouldn’t have said that.

JORDAN
... it's okay. I do tend to act like I know a lot.

JOSH
You do.

JORDAN
Dude, a zombie invasion is going to make this the worst Devilmas ever.

JOSH
Is it? Or will it be the BEST Devilmas ever?!

A brick crashes through the window and lands inches from the projector. Jordan and Josh gasp in horror.

JORDAN
What the hell was that?!

JOSH
Did it hit it?!

JORDAN
It missed - thank god. But that was way too close.

MR COOPER (O.S.)
The end is coming! The end is coming!

They get up and look out the shattered window.

JOSH
Dude, don’t look out the shattered window - there’s broken glass everywhere. You might cut yourself.

JORDAN
Yeah, but what if they throw something through the other window while we’re looking through it? The glass would shatter right in our faces.

JOSH
Hm. Good point. Maybe we should just go outside and check it out.

JORDAN
I like that idea.

EXT. APARTMENT - DAY
Jordan and Josh stand outside right next to the still intact window.

JORDAN
It’s a good thing both windows aren’t broken.

JOSH
Yeah, I hate getting drafts in my apartment.

JORDAN
True.

MR. COOPER
The end is coming! The end is coming!

MR. COOPER is running around in the parking lot, hurling bricks every which way.

Josh lets out a sigh of relief.

JOSH
Good lord ... it's just Mr. Cooper.

JORDAN
Mr. Cooper?

JOSH
Yeah. He's a crazy homeless guy who found his way in through the gates but never found his way out again, if you know what I mean.

Jordan looks at Josh.

JORDAN
He broke your window, dude. Not this one, but the other one.

JOSH
Jordan. Zombie apocalypse, remember? Broken windows are kinda the least of our worries.

JORDAN
(nods)
Oh, yeah, right.

Beat.

JOSH
Let’s go back inside.

INT. APARTMENT - DAY
They go back to the futon.

JORDAN
Still, that brick came way too freaking close to the projector.

JOSH
Dude, I'm the one who dropped nine hundred dollars on the thing, I know how close the brick came to destroying it.

JORDAN
I'm just saying - you bought it last night. It'd really suck if it broke the next day. A complete waste of a decent investment.

JOSH
Not only that, but I haven't even had a chance to play a video game on it. That would've sucked. Geez, man - what are we waiting for?

JORDAN
What do you mean?

JOSH
Well, you heard the news. It's a zombie apocalypse. Society as we know will be falling apart around us. We need to get our game on now before we don't have another chance.

JORDAN
I suppose. But do you think maybe we should find some place safe, first? I mean, you already have one window broken, there's zombies upstairs -

Josh holds up a video game.

JOSH
Dude, "Zombie Attack Trap 4". Nuff said.

JORDAN
Which one is that?

JOSH
You know, where you're trapped in the mall and the zombies attack?

JORDAN
Oh, right. Yeah, fire that up, man.

The game starts and they're about to slay some zombies when a CINDER BLOCK comes sailing through the window and smashes the projector into pieces.

A very long moment passes and we can hear Mr. Cooper's RANTING from outside. There's a SQUELCH from upstairs and off in the distance, an explosion. Josh and Jordan stare at the remains of the projector.

JORDAN (CONT'D)
... it's true ... the good do die young.

JOSH
... we hardly knew her ...

JORDAN
... but we'll always remember.

JOSH
Always.

JORDAN
Forever.

JOSH
... well, I don't know about forever.

JORDAN
Yeah, that is a bit extreme.

JOSH
Just a little.

JORDAN
So we should get going, huh? What with the whole zombie invasion and everything.

JOSH
Probably.

JORDAN
Hey, I gotta question.

JOSH
Yeah?

JORDAN
What car should we take?

JOSH
Well, mine. Obviously.

JORDAN
What's wrong with my car?

JOSH
Besides the fact that it's a tiny clown car?

JORDAN
Yeah, besides that.

JOSH
It's a tiny clown car, dude. We're taking the Jeep.


JORDAN
Yeah, but the Jeep has the rag top. I don't know if that's the best thing to have in a zombie invasion. I have an actual roof on my car.

JOSH
Yeah, but can I point something out?

JORDAN
What?

JOSH
You drive a clown car.

JORDAN
It's really not that bad.

JOSH
It's orange.

JORDAN
Orange color makes not a clown car.

JOSH
It's orange and it's small.

JORDAN
Okay, you may have a point there.

JOSH
Good. We'll take my car.

JORDAN
Alright.

They both get up, Josh heading for the bedroom and Jordan heading for the front door.

JOSH
Dude, where are you going?

JORDAN
I'm going to the Jeep. Where are you going, dude?

JOSH
Dude, we need to gear up before we leave.

JORDAN
Gear up?

JOSH
Dude ... zombie apocalypse.

JORDAN
Ah ... my bad, dude.

GEAR UP SEQUENCE

CUT TO:

EXT. PARKING LOT - DAY
The two vehicles, a small Chevy Aveo and a burly Jeep Wrangler on four over-sized tires sit side-by-side in the parking lot. Josh and Jordan stand in front of the them. Chaos has taken hold of the apartment community around them.

JORDAN
You know, I gotta admit, I'm not sold on the Jeep.

JOSH
Not this again.

JORDAN
I'm just saying that the jeep has a rag top! Mine - no rag top! Solid roof. You gotta admit that's gonna come in handy in a zombie invasion.

JOSH
Nah. Look at the size of my tires, man. We'll be able to drive over anything. If we take your car, we're liable to die because of a fucking curb.

JORDAN
I still don't like the idea of the rag top.

JOSH
Tires, man!

JORDAN
My roof is solid! Not to mention the Jeep gets massively shitty gas mileage - and tell me what could possibly be more important than a fuel efficient vehicle during the end of the world?

JOSH
Look, why don't we just take both?

JORDAN
You wanna take both cars?

JOSH
Sure ... we'll be able to transport that many more survivors.

JORDAN
Yeah ... I guess that does make sense.

JOSH
Okay. So we'll take both cars.

JORDAN
Alright.

And then Mr. Cooper tosses a grenade that rolls under Jordan's car.

JORDAN (CONT'D)
What the hell was that?

JOSH
It looked like a grenade.

They look at each other and then run away as Jordan's car explodes into a giant fireball. The explosion rocks the jeep but it is unscathed - even though it was right next to Jordan's car. They stare at the smoldering wreckage.

JORDAN
... well that sucks.

JOSH
You were still making payments on it, huh?

JORDAN
Nah - I mean, yeah, but my iPod was in there.

JOSH
Dude, that sucks.

JORDAN
You're telling me.

Another beat.

JORDAN (CONT'D)
Where the hell did Mr. Cooper get a grenade?

JOSH
I don’t know. I really don’t know.

JORDAN
... so, I guess we’re taking the Jeep then, huh?

INT. JEEP - DAY
Josh guns the engine and is about to pull out of the parking spot.

JORDAN
Wait-wait-wait-wait!

JOSH
(panicked)
What?!

JORDAN
Where are we going?

JOSH
Oh. I dunno. Where do you think we should go?

JORDAN
Oh, I don’t know. Some place secure.

JOSH
Obviously. Some place that has lots of supplies, too.

JORDAN
We will need supplies.

JOSH
So the question is, what place is both secure and has supplies?

JORDAN
We could go to Wal-Mart.

JOSH
That’s a good idea. Just a couple of main entrances and lots of supplies. It’s got everything we need.

JORDAN
Wait, no, no good.

JOSH
What’s wrong?

JORDAN
Dude, it’s Wal-Mart. It’s a zombie apocalypse - do you really want to spend your last days on earth holed up in a Wal-Mart?

JOSH
Yeah, that is pretty groddy.

JORDAN
And that’s only half of it. Imagine all the people who are gonna think the exact same thing as us? Wal-Mart is already crazy crowded around the clock.

JOSH
Too many people ... definitely a security hazard.

JORDAN
We gotta find some place else.

JOSH
Yeah, but where?

JORDAN
Dude, I don’t live here. You tell me.

JOSH
Oh!

JORDAN
What?

JOSH
The comic shop!

JORDAN
The comic shop?

JOSH
Yeah!

JORDAN
You wanna hole up in a comic shop during a zombie invasion?

JOSH
Dude, it’s the ZED headquarters. It’s perfect!

JORDAN
ZED?

JOSH
Zombie Emergency Defense.

He pulls out the T-shirt and shows Jordan.

JOSH (CONT'D)
See? Trust me, this will be the place to be for a zombie invasion.

JORDAN
I don’t know man ...

JOSH
Plus, I have some new comics I need to pick up.

JORDAN
Dude ...

JOSH
I’ll buy you a new Hulk action figure ...

JORDAN
... you know me too well. Let’s go.

JOSH
To the comic shop then!

They drive off.

TO BE CONTINUED ...