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Click past the break for episode 22!

WEBCAMS (22) -- Heavenbound
written by Jordan Krumbine
 
A - the Christian
B - the bitter atheist
C - the “alternative”
 
A
(sighs happily)
I’m so happy.
 
B 
Oh, shut it.
 
A 
Your seemingly endless depths of negativity no longer have any effect on me.
 
B 
I doubt that.
 
A 
It’s true.
 
B 
No it isn’t.
 
A 
Are you contradicting me just for the hell of contradicting me?  

B 
As a matter of fact, yes.
 
A
(befuddled) 
Why would you do something like that?!
 
B 
Because I have no freaking idea what you’re talking about and I figure if I fake it long enough, eventually I’ll find something to be pissed about.
 
A
(chuckling) 
Well, you’re going to be faking it for a long a time, for I have found my true light.
 
B 
Excuse me?  

A 
I’ve found Jesus.
 
B 
Come again?  

A 
I have Jesus in my heart.
 
B 
Well that didn’t take long at all.
 
A 
For me to find Jesus?  

B 
For me to find something to be pissed about.
 
TITLES
 
A 
Don’t trample all over my faith!  

B 
Why the hell not?  You trampled all over my intelligence just by proclaiming your love for Jesus!  

A 
There is NOTHING wrong with believing.
 
B 
Yes there is!  

A 
See, you’re just contradicting me again!
 
B 
I believe in pizza.
 
A 
What?  

B 
I believe in pizza.  I have faith in pizza.  I pray that every time I eat pizza, it makes me happy.  And it does.  It’s practically a religious experience.  A religiously pizza experience.
 
A 
Now you’re just mocking me.
 
B 
Yes.
 
A 
I KNEW it!
 
B 
Oh, you know nothing!  A I know I’m going to heaven while your sorry ass burns in hell for all of eternity.
 
B 
What, is that it?
 
A 
Yeah, that’s it.
 
B 
No, I mean, is that why you suddenly found Jesus?
 
A 
How do you mean?  B You’re all of a sudden high-and-mighty in the faith because you’re afraid of going to hell?
 
A
That’s not the ONLY reason.
 
B 
There is literally no intellectual basis for any kind of religion--
 
A 
It’s not about about intelligence!
 
B 
...
 
A
...
 
B 
... seriously?  You just said that?
 
A 
(grumbles) 
Well, it’s NOT.
 
B 
You don’t have to tell me twice.
 
A 
Knowing I’m going to heaven makes me feel good.
 
B 
Going to the restroom makes me feel good, but you don’t see me worshipping the toilet.
 
A 
You’re comparing Jesus to a toilet?  You’re going to hell.
 
B 
Why are you so obsessed with a post-mortal existence?  It doesn’t make any sense!  You and all the other Jesus-freaks spend so much time worrying about what happens after you die that you completely squander the time that you have alive!
 
A 
JESUS is the answer!  

B 
NOBODY ASKED A QUESTION!
 
A
There’s just no talking to you, then.
 
B 
Oh, that’s hilarious, because I was just going to say the same about you.
 
A 
Well, I’m still happy.


B 
Yeah, well, you’re still stupid.
 
A 
It’s not about intelligence.
 
B 
You said that already, much to my delight.
 
A 
You’re still going to hell.
 
B 
I have slightly more important things to worry about.
 
A 
More important than your immortal soul?
 
B 
My left nut is more important than my immortal soul.
 
C 
Hey guys, I have big news!
 
A 
Ooh, me too!  

B 
Oh, god ...

C 
I am officially a Scientologist.  I’m like Tom Cruise.  How fucking cool is that?!
 
B
...
 
A
...
 
B
... so, uh, what were you saying about it having nothing to do with intelligence? 

END