Yeah, this was just something random that I had in me.  And it's good to get this kind of shit out, you know?  Otherwise it festers and turns into a nasty, puss-filled, alien shit-worm that consumes all your good ideas.  Or something like that.  Click past the break for the verbal (typed?) diarrhea.

“So ... what do you do?” 
“... what do I do?  Really, you want to know what I do?” 
“Sure, why not?” 
“Because a man should never have to be judged by what he does.” 
“Oh, really?  I don’t think I’ve heard it that way before.” 
“There’s a war in Afghanistan.  A soldier’s sole purpose is to kill the enemy.  You know nothing else about him and you want to judge him on the single fact that he kills people?” 
“Are you a soldier in Afghanistan?” 
“That’s not the point.” 
“What is?” 
“The point is that a man should never have to be judged by what he does.” 
“I thought actions speak louder than words.  What is an action if not something that one does?” 
“Is this the existential hour at the Black Box?”
“You’re the one who doesn’t want to answer the question.” 
“I don’t want to answer the question because it’s bullshit.” 
“You think maybe I want to come to that conclusion on my own?” 
“I think that if you were interested in and or capable of coming to that conclusion on your own, you wouldn’t have asked the question in the first place.” 
“Well, if you want me to judge you based on your words and not what you do, I have to tell you, you’re not doing so well, hotshot.” 
“And here I thought I was at the top of my game.” 
“If the top of your game is playing against handicapped little leaguers, than I’d say you’re about par.” 
“Can we get off sports, please?  Physical activity that doesn’t involve an orgasm or imminent death makes me uncomfortable.” 
“We could talk about what you do.” 
“You have a seriously one-track mind.” 
“It helps me with what I do.” 
“Which is?” 
“I asked you first.” 
“You know, I’m not sure I like you.” 
“You’re still talking to me.” 
“This is true.”
“And you haven’t stopped checking me out since I sat down.” 
“This is also true.  But what did we say about not judging a man by what he does?” 
“I’m sorry, was I not clear?  I meant what you do for a career?” 
“A career?  Or what I do to make money?  Those two things aren’t exactly attached at the hip, you know?” 
“Do you have a career?” 
“I make money.” 
“Doing what?” 
“Randomly chatting up women at depressingly dark bars.” 
“What, is that supposed to be a joke?” 
“Was it not funny?” 
“It could use some work.” 
“I guess that’s the sound of my stand-up career flying out the window, huh?” 
“At least you have something to fall back on.” 
“Do I?” 
“You tell me.”
“You’re very persistent, you know that?”
“Something else that helps me with what I do.” 
“And that was, again?” 
“I’m a reporter for channel thirteen.” 
“The local twenty-four hour news station?”
“That’s it.  You watch?”
“Never.  I hate local news.”
“I’d say that hurts my feelings, but I kind of hate local news, too.”
“Would you look at that?  Common ground.  And you barely even know me.” 
“I’m still waiting for you to rectify that.  Where do you work?”
“Okay, fine.  I work at morally and ethically bankrupt corporation devoted to ruining people’s lives.” 
“Sounds horrific.”
“You have no idea.”
“So what do you do?" 
“I sell timeshares.”
“Ouch.” 
“Well, I don’t sell them.  I process the contracts.  It’s kind of like holding the devil’s nutsack as he buttfucks your parents out of their retirement money.  You’re not actually committing the violation itself, but you’ve got your hand in the process.”
“I can tell you hold your employer in the highest regards.”
“What can I say?  I have what most would call an admirable work ethic.” 
“I can tell.”
“So?” 
“What?” 
“Aren’t you going to ask why I work in timeshares when I clearly loathe it?” 
“I wasn’t planning on it, no.” 
“What happened to having a one-track mind and being persistent?” 
“Nothing happened.  I only have to be persistent for so long.  After a while, the flood gates just open up.” 
“Oh, you think you’ve cracked me, is that it?” 
“I know I’ve cracked you.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“You asked me if I wanted know why.”
“I asked you if you were going to ASK why.”
“Is there a difference?” 
“Maybe.”
“Maybe not.”
“Are you going to ask?” 
“Are you going to tell?” 
“Only if you want to know.”
“I’m still talking to you, aren’t I?” 
“... it pays the bills.”
“You hold the devil’s nutsack because it pays the bills?” 
“You make it sound so depraved.”
“I’m using your words.  If it sounds depraved, you only have yourself to blame.” 
“Maybe it just sounds naughtier coming from you.”
“Maybe you’re unaware of just how depraved your own mind is.”
“More improbable words have never been spoken.  Not to my face, at least.” 
“There you go, a new experience for you.”
“And I thought the whole handholding of the devil’s nutsack was the pinnacle of that mountain for me.”
“Stick with me, hotshot, and that’s just the beginning.”
“I think I like the way you tease.” 
“I think you’re going to like some other things, too.”
“I think you’re right.”
 
END