Is it just the holiday season?  The fact that despite the Best Devilmas Gift Ever, this Devilmas feels like a far departure from Devilmases past?  Is it because in the realm of fiction and reality, irony mandates that reality mimic fiction?  Or maybe it has less to do with irony and more that somehow, someway, I can predict the future.  Or, rather than an answer so vanilla, I can in fact shape the future through my words and dreams.  Now, I'm not speaking in the "motivational" kind of way--anyone can shape their own future through their own decisions--I'm speaking in the hypernatural, freak-your-mind kind of manipulation of destinies.

Or maybe--just maybe--I'm simply not drinking enough.  I'll have to rectify that tonight as I tape my bits for Benzone50's nod to Devilmas.  I was supposed to tape it last night, but after going over the script, I felt like the character deserved far more attention than I was ready to give it last night.  So I will tape tonight.  And drink.  Tape and drink.  I suspect that the footage will be somewhere in the realm of brilliance, but the real genius will only show through after it is filtered through Ben's creative mind.  Stay tuned for that.

While close friends and family may think that the most recent layers of drama heaped upon my family life may be the core of my no longer being pressed, I believe the truth is far more mundane: it's SEXKITTENS.  Namely, it's the fact that production on the show is done, save for the last episode which we won't get to for another two weeks or so.  You guys still get seven more episodes (eight, including the finale), but over here, everything's in the can and I'm wallowing in what's becoming the familiar post-production blues.

It's a personal thing, I believe, and probably not something a lot of people can relate to.  Having endured it at various times throughout the past few years, this is the first time I can truly  identify it and understand why I feel this way.

See, the reason I do things like Sexkittens (or Talking Heads before that) is that I need to do them.  Without some form of creative production in my life, things get very dull very fast.  As innocuous as Sexkittens began, it filled a satisfying portion of my creative being.  And although I know that a second season and fresh new projects await just around the corner, there is still a palpable sense of loss.

Which is only magnified by the other drama that has been gifted to me this holiday season.  Wink-wink.

And what's even sadder (for me) is that this state of mind is keeping me from truly enjoying the good things that have, for some inexplicable reason, surrounded me with such profound love and caring--staples that any season, whether holiday or not, should always be punctuated by.  From a love that truly grows stronger as time goes on--despite the unhealthy (albeit unavoidable) amount of time we spend together--to redefined relationships with siblings that relieve pressures on both end of the spectrum (i.e. a dependable confidant in one and in the other--well, you guys know;).  And then there have been added bonuses like new friendships from unexpected roommates (our new role models: Three's Company .... question mark???).

To be sure, there has been much to not just thankful for, but flat-out grateful for.  And even though I know it in my head and feel it in my heart, there remains a wet-blanket of post-production blues, obscuring everything.

... maybe I should just use that as an excuse to write some more of Peter & the Dark Wolf.  Merry Devilmas, fuckers?