It's Thursday and in honor of the new Zaphod Zombie comic ("Zaphod Zombie & the Zombie Condition") I wanted cautiously venture forth and try out a new feature for the website, which ties in directly with the comic.

I've been kicking around this idea of blogging relevant zombie news for a few days, and while I haven't come up with a absolute ideal execution of the concept, I figured I could at least use the basics that I have in place and let the idea evolve on its own.

The basics, in short, is that the news blogging is intended to compliment Zaphod Zombie.  This essentially lays the groundwork for spinning Zaphod off onto his own mini-site (just a sub-domain, ideally: "zombies.horbawrong.com").  Additionally, some things are obvious: zombies are people too, so most of the news reporting will also be commentary ... primarily about how zombie stereotypes continue to prevail in an otherwise enlightened society.

Today, we'll take a quick look a story about a guy who was just a little hungry, a website that furthers zombie awareness while at the same time strengthening all the stereotypes we've come to loathe in the enlightened zombie community, and finally a quick glimpse at how popular zombies are really becoming.

All the news is after the break!

A QUICK BITE

This first story hails from New Orleans Metro News where a man was gardening at his home in Metairie.  It was a quiet Saturday afternoon and it was shaping up to be a relaxing weekend for 67 year-old Joseph Lancellotti.

Relaxing, that is, until a lone, irate individual wandered into Lancellotti's yard and proceeded to take bite out of Lancellotti's arm.

Now I know what you're thinking: "Auck!  The zombie invasion is upon us!"

Hold your fucking horses, kids.

I know this looks like another example of unprovoked-zombie-unrullyness that everyone is so quick to denounce, but let's look at the facts: the guy entered the yard, went straight to Lancellotti, and bit a chunk of skin off of Lancellotti's arm.  Then the guy proceeded to CHEW and SWALLOW.

The poor fellow was just a little hungry.  If you haven't eaten in a while, you'd be a little irate, too.

Let's try and be a little accommodating to our misunderstood, undead brethren before we rush to demonize them, alright?

IFYOUWEREAZOMBIE.COM

One of the challenges that our living impaired brothers and sisters face is the fact that even in this day and age, many are quick to deny their existence, as if the zombie condition were little more than a work of fiction.  With this in mind, I have to give the following website some notable props ... www.ifyouwereazombie.com paints the picture in black and white and spells it out simply: zombies are here and they're not going anywhere anytime soon.

The purpose of ifyouwereazombie.com is to fill a distinct absence in the electronic greeting card genre.  Offering quips such as "If you were a zombie and I had to kill you ... I'd feel sad." and "I'm glad you're not a zombie." the website succeeds at filling the void.

But that's where my compliments have to stop.  Since when do comments like "if you were a zombie and I HAD to kill you" do you anything to shatter these long-held zombie stereotypes?!  Are we supposed to believe that just because a PERSON is living impaired, they are deserving of blunt trauma to the head?

You know, just because a person is undead, doesn't mean they don't have feelings.

PRIDE AND PREJUDICE AND ZOMBIES

You've probably already seen this story, but it's too big of a deal to pass up.  As of July 22nd, 2009, "Pride and Prejudice and Zombies" was number 28 on USA Today's best-selling book list.  The book is an "enhancement" of Jane Austen's "Pride and Prejudice" that was ... (written?  co-written?  executed by??) Seth Grahame-Smith.

Again, major kudos for playing a crucial part in bringing zombie awareness to the masses.  But WHY THE HELL DO WE HAVE TO PAINT ZOMBIES WITH SUCH BROAD, STEREOTYPICAL STROKES???

From the article:

"... blends Austen's 19th-century love story with a tale of the rampaging undead--brace yourself."

and:

"The monster onslaught continues."

Granted, these are the words of the Carol Memmott, the author of the article about the book ... and not Grahame-Smith's words.  But the heart remains the same: blatant and unfair misrepresentation of the living impaired.

Imagine that the events in this book actually happened and that it wasn't, in fact, a work of fiction.  Is this undead rampage perhaps just a couple of oppressed zombies finally rising up against those who mistreat and abuse them and starting a movement for all zombie-kind to follow?

Seems to me that if those were "regular" people in that role, they would hardly be described as "monsters" but instead "revolutionaries".

Zombies are people, too.

Got a zombie story to share?  Leave it in the comments (as well as appropriate links) and I might include it in an upcoming column!