WEBCAMS (22) -- Heavenbound
written by Jordan Krumbine
 
A - the Christian
B - the bitter atheist
C - the “alternative”
 
A
(sighs happily)
I’m so happy.
 
B 
Oh, shut it.
 
A 
Your seemingly endless depths of negativity no longer have any effect on me.
 
B 
I doubt that.
 
A 
It’s true.
 
B 
No it isn’t.
 
A 
Are you contradicting me just for the hell of contradicting me?  

B 
As a matter of fact, yes.
 
A
(befuddled) 
Why would you do something like that?!
 
B 
Because I have no freaking idea what you’re talking about and I figure if I fake it long enough, eventually I’ll find something to be pissed about.
 
A
(chuckling) 
Well, you’re going to be faking it for a long a time, for I have found my true light.
 
B 
Excuse me?  

A 
I’ve found Jesus.
 
B 
Come again?  

A 
I have Jesus in my heart.
 
B 
Well that didn’t take long at all.
 
A 
For me to find Jesus?  

B 
For me to find something to be pissed about.
 
TITLES
 
A 
Don’t trample all over my faith!  

B 
Why the hell not?  You trampled all over my intelligence just by proclaiming your love for Jesus!  

A 
There is NOTHING wrong with believing.
 
B 
Yes there is!  

A 
See, you’re just contradicting me again!
 
B 
I believe in pizza.
 
A 
What?  

B 
I believe in pizza.  I have faith in pizza.  I pray that every time I eat pizza, it makes me happy.  And it does.  It’s practically a religious experience.  A religiously pizza experience.
 
A 
Now you’re just mocking me.
 
B 
Yes.
 
A 
I KNEW it!
 
B 
Oh, you know nothing!  A I know I’m going to heaven while your sorry ass burns in hell for all of eternity.
 
B 
What, is that it?
 
A 
Yeah, that’s it.
 
B 
No, I mean, is that why you suddenly found Jesus?
 
A 
How do you mean?  B You’re all of a sudden high-and-mighty in the faith because you’re afraid of going to hell?
 
A
That’s not the ONLY reason.
 
B 
There is literally no intellectual basis for any kind of religion--
 
A 
It’s not about about intelligence!
 
B 
...
 
A
...
 
B 
... seriously?  You just said that?
 
A 
(grumbles) 
Well, it’s NOT.
 
B 
You don’t have to tell me twice.
 
A 
Knowing I’m going to heaven makes me feel good.
 
B 
Going to the restroom makes me feel good, but you don’t see me worshipping the toilet.
 
A 
You’re comparing Jesus to a toilet?  You’re going to hell.
 
B 
Why are you so obsessed with a post-mortal existence?  It doesn’t make any sense!  You and all the other Jesus-freaks spend so much time worrying about what happens after you die that you completely squander the time that you have alive!
 
A 
JESUS is the answer!  

B 
NOBODY ASKED A QUESTION!
 
A
There’s just no talking to you, then.
 
B 
Oh, that’s hilarious, because I was just going to say the same about you.
 
A 
Well, I’m still happy.


B 
Yeah, well, you’re still stupid.
 
A 
It’s not about intelligence.
 
B 
You said that already, much to my delight.
 
A 
You’re still going to hell.
 
B 
I have slightly more important things to worry about.
 
A 
More important than your immortal soul?
 
B 
My left nut is more important than my immortal soul.
 
C 
Hey guys, I have big news!
 
A 
Ooh, me too!  

B 
Oh, god ...

C 
I am officially a Scientologist.  I’m like Tom Cruise.  How fucking cool is that?!
 
B
...
 
A
...
 
B
... so, uh, what were you saying about it having nothing to do with intelligence? 

END

As my regular viewers know, my goal for Horbawrong Studios and Krumbination is to support and encourage as much as it is to create original content.  To that end, I hope to have a featured video every week on the front page of this website.  This videos may come from familiar faces or, as is the case this week, may likely be from a complete unknown.  I hope you'll take this opportunity to not only watch the featured video, but also take some time to learn about video's creators.

This week, I'm featuring the above video titled "Human Harvest".  You can visit the video's YouTube page here and the video is produced by 3Bproductionz.

Be sure to click past the break for a second video by these guys and some of my thoughts.

3Bproductionz, it should be said, consists of three guys.  I'm not entirely sure how I stumbled across their youtube page, but part of the process was delving into the library of videos produced by and in association with Indy Mogul. Having spent time watching these videos, I felt as though I had been reintroduced to a completely different kind of filmmaker.

I say "reintroduced" because these style of videos were the norm in my college days.  It wasn't until the past two or three years that the focus (at least in my world) shifted to webcam-based and collaborative productions.  So you can imagine just how refreshing it was for this dosing of originality in the proverbial sea of vlog-based videos.

For that, I give 3Bproductionz major props.

When I asked the boys which videos in their library they felt represented them best, they sent me the two that I've featured here.  In my opinion, Human Harvest is the better of the two, being a more well-rounded visual and narrative experience.  Although "Doctrines of Fate" is their more recent production, I felt it was just too lacking in substance and it was more of a  technical "hey look what we can do" piece than anything else.  That being said, their technical proficiency is near flawless.  The effects in both films are top notch and both are a testament to what can be accomplished on shoe-string budgets.

Let me know what you think in the comments below .... and don't forget to visit 3Bproductionz YouTube channel and subscribe!

“So ... what do you do?” 
“... what do I do?  Really, you want to know what I do?” 
“Sure, why not?” 
“Because a man should never have to be judged by what he does.” 
“Oh, really?  I don’t think I’ve heard it that way before.” 
“There’s a war in Afghanistan.  A soldier’s sole purpose is to kill the enemy.  You know nothing else about him and you want to judge him on the single fact that he kills people?” 
“Are you a soldier in Afghanistan?” 
“That’s not the point.” 
“What is?” 
“The point is that a man should never have to be judged by what he does.” 
“I thought actions speak louder than words.  What is an action if not something that one does?” 
“Is this the existential hour at the Black Box?”
“You’re the one who doesn’t want to answer the question.” 
“I don’t want to answer the question because it’s bullshit.” 
“You think maybe I want to come to that conclusion on my own?” 
“I think that if you were interested in and or capable of coming to that conclusion on your own, you wouldn’t have asked the question in the first place.” 
“Well, if you want me to judge you based on your words and not what you do, I have to tell you, you’re not doing so well, hotshot.” 
“And here I thought I was at the top of my game.” 
“If the top of your game is playing against handicapped little leaguers, than I’d say you’re about par.” 
“Can we get off sports, please?  Physical activity that doesn’t involve an orgasm or imminent death makes me uncomfortable.” 
“We could talk about what you do.” 
“You have a seriously one-track mind.” 
“It helps me with what I do.” 
“Which is?” 
“I asked you first.” 
“You know, I’m not sure I like you.” 
“You’re still talking to me.” 
“This is true.”
“And you haven’t stopped checking me out since I sat down.” 
“This is also true.  But what did we say about not judging a man by what he does?” 
“I’m sorry, was I not clear?  I meant what you do for a career?” 
“A career?  Or what I do to make money?  Those two things aren’t exactly attached at the hip, you know?” 
“Do you have a career?” 
“I make money.” 
“Doing what?” 
“Randomly chatting up women at depressingly dark bars.” 
“What, is that supposed to be a joke?” 
“Was it not funny?” 
“It could use some work.” 
“I guess that’s the sound of my stand-up career flying out the window, huh?” 
“At least you have something to fall back on.” 
“Do I?” 
“You tell me.”
“You’re very persistent, you know that?”
“Something else that helps me with what I do.” 
“And that was, again?” 
“I’m a reporter for channel thirteen.” 
“The local twenty-four hour news station?”
“That’s it.  You watch?”
“Never.  I hate local news.”
“I’d say that hurts my feelings, but I kind of hate local news, too.”
“Would you look at that?  Common ground.  And you barely even know me.” 
“I’m still waiting for you to rectify that.  Where do you work?”
“Okay, fine.  I work at morally and ethically bankrupt corporation devoted to ruining people’s lives.” 
“Sounds horrific.”
“You have no idea.”
“So what do you do?" 
“I sell timeshares.”
“Ouch.” 
“Well, I don’t sell them.  I process the contracts.  It’s kind of like holding the devil’s nutsack as he buttfucks your parents out of their retirement money.  You’re not actually committing the violation itself, but you’ve got your hand in the process.”
“I can tell you hold your employer in the highest regards.”
“What can I say?  I have what most would call an admirable work ethic.” 
“I can tell.”
“So?” 
“What?” 
“Aren’t you going to ask why I work in timeshares when I clearly loathe it?” 
“I wasn’t planning on it, no.” 
“What happened to having a one-track mind and being persistent?” 
“Nothing happened.  I only have to be persistent for so long.  After a while, the flood gates just open up.” 
“Oh, you think you’ve cracked me, is that it?” 
“I know I’ve cracked you.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“You asked me if I wanted know why.”
“I asked you if you were going to ASK why.”
“Is there a difference?” 
“Maybe.”
“Maybe not.”
“Are you going to ask?” 
“Are you going to tell?” 
“Only if you want to know.”
“I’m still talking to you, aren’t I?” 
“... it pays the bills.”
“You hold the devil’s nutsack because it pays the bills?” 
“You make it sound so depraved.”
“I’m using your words.  If it sounds depraved, you only have yourself to blame.” 
“Maybe it just sounds naughtier coming from you.”
“Maybe you’re unaware of just how depraved your own mind is.”
“More improbable words have never been spoken.  Not to my face, at least.” 
“There you go, a new experience for you.”
“And I thought the whole handholding of the devil’s nutsack was the pinnacle of that mountain for me.”
“Stick with me, hotshot, and that’s just the beginning.”
“I think I like the way you tease.” 
“I think you’re going to like some other things, too.”
“I think you’re right.”
 
END

WEBCAMS (21) -- "Cute"
written by Jordan Krumbine
 
A - male, the artist
B - obsessed with the lack of innovation in the toilet paper industry
C - female, overly sympathetic, supportive to a fault
 
 
COLD OPEN
 
B
I'm just saying, I've given this a lot of thought. 
 
A
Congratulations?
 
B
I'm serious!
 
A
Fine, good for you.
 
B
I just think that within the realm of innovation, this single product is seriously lacking.
 
A
And this is what you've given a lot of thought to?
 
B
Yes, that's right. 
 
A
Can I tell you something?
 
B
Sure. 
 
A
I have no idea what you're talking about. 
 
B
I'm talking about innovation!
 
A
I thought you were talking about a lack of innovation?
 
B
Well, yeah, but it still falls under the topical umbrella of innovation.  
 
A
The topical umbrella of innovation?
 
B
That's right. 
 
A
Can I tell you something else?
 
B
Yeah, sure.
 
A
I still have no idea what you're talking about.
 
TITLES
 
B
Toilet paper. 
 
A
Toilet paper?
 
B
(shrugs)
Toilet paper. That's what I'm talking about. 
 
A
You're actually talking about toilet paper?
 
B
That's right. 
 
A
Why?
 
B
Because of the innovation!
 
A
You mean the lack of innovation?
 
B
Exactly!
 
C
Did you say something about toilet paper?
 
A
Oh, please don't encourage this.
 
C
Why not?
 
A
(emotional)
Because of all the things that should be encouraged in a person’s life, an obsession about the lack of innovation in toilet paper, frankly, is embarrassing.
 
B
Uh-oh.
 
C
This doesn't sound good. 
 
B
This doesn't sound like we're talking about toilet paper anymore. 
 
C
And considering you guys, that's actually surprising. 
 
B
Hey!
 
C
I call it like I see it. 
 
B
(quick to give up)
Eh, that's fair. 
 
A
(depressed)
She said it was cute. 
 
C
Cute?
 
B
Oh, no ...
 
C
Who's she?
 
A
After spending three weeks producing that music video, she finally watches it and calls it 'cute'. 
 
B
Ouch. 
 
C
(pressing)
Who's she??
 
B
The chick he wants to bang. 
 
A
Hey, come on, man!
 
B
Well, it's true!
 
C
So she's not your girlfriend?
 
A
No.  And now that she thinks my video is cute, I'll never get to call her my girlfriend. 
 
C
I don't understand. What's so bad about her saying the video was cute?
 
B
Really??
 
A
What, are you serious?
 
B
What's so bad about 'cute'?!
 
A
(serious)
Have you ever made a movie before?
 
C
Well, sure I record vlogs all the time--
 
B
(laughs)
Vlogs!
 
A
No-no, I'm not talking about some lame, ill-prepared chat with your webcam. I'm talking about a MOVIE. A work of art. Something you pour your heart and soul into. 
 
B
He's very serious about his art. 
 
A
I am!
 
C
I can tell. 
 
A
It's a serious thing! 
 
C
Sure. 
 
A
And, hell, if I don't take it seriously, who else will?
 
B
Certainly not the girl you want to bone. 
 
A
Come on!
 
C
So calling your "movie" cute is bad, right?
 
B
(explaining)
It's pretty much dismissing any and all creative and technical merits of the production, thereby negating all the work that was put into it. 
 
A
It freaking sucks!
 
C
Well, what was your movie about?
 
A
It was a music video. It was about a zombie puppet trying to find his one true love. 
 
C
A zombie puppet.
 
A
Here, I'll send you the link. 
 
C
Oh.
 
B
Cute sucks, dude. 
 
A
Cute blows.
 
B
Calling something cute is like a person has injected zero innovation into their powers of critical thinking. 
 
A
You are ABSOLUTELY right.
 
B
Just like toilet paper. 
 
A
(angry)
Goddammit!!!
 
C
Oh, yeah, I saw this one. 
 
A
You did?  You never left a comment. 
 
C
Well, I--
 
A
What did you think of it? I told you it took me three weeks from start to finish to produce it, right?
 
B
Yes, you already said that. 
 
A
It's important to know, is all.
 
B
Not really.
 
A
Okay, never mind, then. So what did you think of it?
 
C
Well ...
 
A
...
 
B
...
(smiles, then giggles)
 
C
I thought it was definitely, uh ...
 
A
....
 
C
(pained)
.... cute.
 
A
(looks like he got punched in the gut)
 
END

Bullshit.

Making videos for youtube is not easy.  At least, not if you give a shit about the things you create and/or what you attach your name to.  For me, I'm hard-pressed to find something as fundamentally important the makeup of my personality.  

Simply put, you're not going to find someone who cares as much as I do about his stupid youtube videos.

Which really doesn't help me, you know, in the long run and episode 18 of WEBCAMS is a shining example of that.

In the short history of this collaborative internet show, there's been a total of two scripts that were so good--and important--that it was critical to wait for the perfect timing before producing them, inasmuch as that there needed to be certain people involved and it was better to wait for them rather than take the more standard, one-size-fits-all approach of the rest of our episodes.  Both scripts, perhaps not coincidentally, were written by Benzone50.  One of those scripts was for "Sheeple".

I don't write commentaries for this stuff very often ... I did it once or twice through the first iteration of Krumbination. (btw--that shit is back in business, in case you didn't know.  It's all for the community, so have fun with it.)  I dunno, I think I see each episode as an individual microcosm.  Everything you need to know exists within the episode and none of it is relevant when you watch the next episode.  It's the perfect form of passive entertainment: give me five minutes (or twelve, in our recent case) and I'll tell you everything you need to know to enjoy this episode, within the episode.  Wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am.

So then why the hell am I writing a commentary for this episode?  Why am I investing even more time into what has ended up being the single most challenging collab video I've ever produced?

I dunno.  It's probably just because it's late and I feel unproductive.  And when I feel unproductive, I tend to do things I'm not usually predisposed to do.

Right from the beginning, the Sheeple episode was a challenge.  In fact, I never understood how difficult it was to really re-write a script until I started looking at other people's scripts for WEBCAMS.  When Ben sent me his first draft of the Sheeple episode, I knew right away that it was going to be a pain in the ass to rewrite.  However, in spite of my first reaction, I did see a hell of a lot potential in the script.  Ben's writing had been improving dramatically, script over script, and this one had one of the more solid premises that had been floated past me.  Additionally, he had done his research, and although at times it seemed like the facts were being beaten over your head (something that I wasn't quite able to smooth out in my own draft of the script) it was still a solid piece of work.  And I dig me some informative facts.

So the re-write process goes something like this:  I open the original script on one screen and open a blank document on the second screen.  Starting from "scratch", I start writing.  Every time I incorporate a major point from the original script, I scroll down to the next point.  When I finish, I hand the script off to Sam and then I send it back Ben for any more changes.  So far, this process has worked out very well .... suffice it to say, there haven't been any complaints yet.

Like I said, one of my main concerns in the rewrite was to smooth out the heaver hemp-related facts in the second half of the script.  And Ben wasn't the only one who can do research: I dug up a few facts of my own during the re-write!  I can't tell you which one's are mine, but that probably has more to do with the aforementioned late hour and the handful of drinks I've already consumed.

When I finished my draft of the script, one thing was very apparent to me: it wasn't funny.  Now, I think it's certainly up for debate whether or not ANY of my stuff is actually funny, but it was clear that "Sheeple" didn't even TRY to be funny.  Sure, there was an amusing quip here and there, but overall it was a message-driven piece of infotainment.

And I was pretty cool with that.  It's one thing to be able to entertain people .... but to entertain and enlighten?  Pardon my graphicness, but such a possibility kinda gets me hard.

On top of all that, there's the simple premise that the legalization and utilization of industrial grade hemp is a message that needs to be spread.  You'll note in the credits of the episode that Ben based his original script on the vlogs of one TheChurchofDave.  After having spent time re-writing the script, I watched the vlog that inspired Ben.  It was this 30 minute epic rant about hemp.  I won't say it wasn't effective--it had a reasonably high view count and the guy certainly was enigmatic.  What I will say, however, is that between our script, the format of WEBCAMS, and a cross-section of some damn fine talent, our 12-minute video is way more effective at delivering the message.  Now, I know this isn't a contest or anything, but I think it should be said that this is an instance where a SCRIPTED, well-produced episode KICKS THE ASS OF A RANDOM YOUTUBE PARTNER VLOG.  With all due respect.

Moving on.

Once the script was locked down, and we got to casting, I took the opportunity to officially slot Ben into the position he had been filling for a while: casting director.  And it's been much more than simply letting him call the shots for who's to play which part.  Ben has consistently been the ONLY person that I regularly--and honestly--discuss various aspects of our collabers with.  So in addition to be surprisingly well-connected on youtube, Ben has been an invaluable sounding board for this whole process, which makes me more than confident in my decision to call him the casting director for WEBCAMS.  That being said, one of the first decisions Ben made (which, admittedly, was in both of our minds during the writing process, so it's not entirely his fault) was to give character B to TheChurchofDave.  His material inspired the episode, so he should play the part of the Hemp Evangelist, right?  It was only fair.

For those who don't know, the way this works is that once the parts are cast, I usually give the players a week to tape their footage.  Then they send it to me through whatever means necessary (we have yet to stoop to carrier pigeon) and then I edit.  Lo and behold, I have everyone's footage accept for Dave's.  Ben informs me that there are technical difficulties and should be another week.  Honestly, this was fine because I needed a break from the whole process--as much as I love producing WEBCAMS, editing these episodes is flat-out, knuckles-to-the-grindstone, WORK ... and it gets tiring after a while.  So I needed a break and Dave needed more time ... all's well that ends well.

Only that's not the end.  Wink-wink.  But you already knew that.

After word of another postponement from Dave came down the pipe, Ben and I lined up our understudy.  And let me take a moment to say that THIS is why I've insisted (for the most part) on writing WEBCAMS generically.  If someone bails or can't do a part, I still have three other people who have already committed themselves to the episode.  One of those people, in this particular instance, was looking at her WEBCAMS debut.  As producer, I have a hard time letting one person drag down the entire show.  When we write generically, if someone can't do the part, I can find five other people who will eagerly throw down.  And just so you don't think I'm painting Dave with the brush o'negativity, I knew from the beginning that his part was challenging.  There were a lot of long monologues and that can be challenging to put on video, especially for a WEBCAMS uninitiated.  I pretty much never hold anything against anybody.  We're all doing this for little more than a short credit and link in the description and if you can't pull it together for that, no sweat.

When it became clear that Dave wasn't our man, the part was sent to the person whom I personally preferred for the role.  If it had not been for Ben I's feeling that we owed it to Dave to let him play B, my number two choice would have been our number one call.

While I waited for footage and while I worked my way out of creative funk that I was wallowing in, something started to happen: BP got closer and closer to fixing the oil leak in the gulf.  The timeliness of this crisis was quickly slipping away from us.  I set a do-or-die deadline and informed our backup actor.  There had been another delay in the footage because of the complexity of the part and it became clear to me that if I didn't have his footage by the Wednesday before our scheduled Friday debut, I would just record the part myself.  

In the end, it was the complexity of the character and scheduling issues that took our backup actor out of the game.  Again, no hard feelings.  I am, if nothing else, understanding.  But the show must go on--never more so than when the show refers to an leak that's currently gushing millions of gallons of oil into the Gulf of Mexico and BP had literally just plugged it.  We ended being a day late in our effort to be timely and topical, but I think the message of the episode outshines such minor details.

Am I missing something of importance in my commentary?  Remind me in the comments.

WEBCAMS 19 -- Women and Urine

A (male) neurotic and emotional
B (male) self involved and even more neurotic
C (female) innocent, chipper and heartspoken

TITLES

A
And there I was: lying naked and guilt-ridden and I just felt so goddamned terrible.

B
(typing away and disinterested)
Uh-huh.

A
It just felt wrong, you know? Like I was cheating on her.

B
For sure

A
So…well I…uh, well I started to cry.

B
(still typing away)
Awesome.

A
… are you even listening to me?

B
No.

A
What!? Here I am just pouring my heart and soul out to you about my first sexual experience since my ex-wife and you’re not even listening to me?!

B
Yeaaaaah … no.

A
What the hell!? I just told you something of the utmost personal importance and you’re not even listening!? I cried during SEX for God sakes! How is that not interesting?
(to himself)
I cried during sex.

B
(stops typing; flat)
Hey, wow, you never told me you were a hermaphrodite.

A
Hermaphrodite--what the hell are you talking about?!

B
Well considering the only other kind of people I know to have cried before, during or after sex are women then consequently it must mean that you bear something that resembles a vagina somewhere next to your weenis.

A
You know what … never mind.  Just never mind. What are you doing anyway? What’s so important for you--

B
(matter of fact)
I kinda get turned on when women cry.

A
What, like during sex?

B
No … well yeah but mostly I mean at any given moment. I don’t know … there’s just something so raw and pure about the emotion of sadness. It’s such a rich, powerful emotion.  Gives me a chubby.

A
You must have a hard time at funerals. 

B
Oh, I do my best to steer clear of any public place or events that involves intense sadness.  I consider it my own personal cross to bear.  Much like your hermaphrodicitic weeping during sex.

A
Whenever I think you can’ t get any stranger you blow my mind. So what ARE you doing?

B
Well, my friend, in the spirit of generosity and as an attempt to alleviate a little creative pressure from our good friend Krumby, I am writing an episode of Webcams.

C
YOU’RE WRITING AN EPISODE OF WEBCAMS!?

Both A and B jump frightened

A
Jeez, can you let us know when you join the chat, please?

B
Yeah, that would be nice.

C
(giggling)
Sorry. Writing an episode of Cams? That is SO cool!

B
Yup.

A
Umm … how long have you been here exactly.

C
Just clicked on. Nice to see you too, you meanie.

A
Sorry I was just wondering--

C
So what’s it going to be about?

B
(drawing it out, hesitant to say)
Well … I dunno--

C
Pleaaaase. Oh pretty please tell us!

B
Alright. It’s called Urine my Urinal. Characters A and B are giving character C a hard time because he can’t pee in a urinal. I’m thinking it should be purrrettty hilarious.

A
Is this umm, inspired from actual events at all?

B
Well, yeah, it is actually.

C
(curious)
So you can’t pee at a urinal? Ever?

B
Well no.

A
(amused)
That’s a little weird. Ever?

B
No. I always take a stall. For both onsies and twosies.

A
….

C
…

B
…

A
So ... why?

B
(shrugs)
Dunno.  Just can’t.  I’ve gone into a empty public bathroom, got in front of a urinal and began to pee and then the moment the door creaks open the floodgates just cut off.

C
So you CAN pee though. 

B
Yes.

A
(thinking)
… just not in anyones presence. Hmmmm.

C
So what did you do?

B
What did I do?
(shrugs)
I stood there.

A
Stood there?

C
Stood there?

B
(embarrassed)
Yes, I stood there.

C
You just stood there? With your, uh, willy out?  Just standing at the urinal?

A
You never cease to amaze me.

B
That’s not the worst part. After the first guy, even more people kept coming in, one after the other, so I couldn’t even bring myself to move.

A
What do you mean? You just stood there the whole time pretending to pee?!

C
Oh my god…

B
Well, I just froze. One guy came over and just struck up a conversation like I was his best pal and we where sitting at the bar.  So I just … froze, you know.

A
Hmm, urinal conversations. I’m not to partial to those either.  I’ve seen worse though: some guy takes the urinal next to mine and just lets one rip like he was all alone.  Just rips it big time. That was kinda weird but you don’t see me getting all weird about it.

C
How long did you just stand there with your Johnson in the wind anyway?

B
That’s not important.

A
Come on buddy, we won’t judge you. How long?

B
That doesn’t--

C
(concerned)
Oh my god, how long?

A
How long buddy? Howlonghowlonghowlo-

B
15 MINUTES OK!! 

A
(breaks out laughing)
Hahaha..15..hahahah…your such a freak.

B
Hey! I’m not the one who bawls like a baby during sex!!!

C
You cry during sex?

A
No, no, no noo! We are going way off subject here!

C
(earnestly)
I just don’t know who to feel sorry for now.

A
We where talking about how he stood there airing out his tube snake for 15 minutes, remember?

C
You poor thing. You really should see someone about that … it’s just not healthy.

B
Hey! What’s not healthy about it, huh? Have you ever peed in a urinal before!?

C
Well, no--

B
That’s right you haven’t! How would you like it if I went into the ladies room and tore out every wall between the stalls, huh!? Just one big open room full of toilets for every one to take a big community pee together, huh!? You wouldn’t feel the least bit self conscious at all sitting next to your boss or your mother-in-law taking a pee?

C
I…wow…I never though of it that way.

B
Yeah, damn straight.  Now if you’ll excuse me--

A
Dude, where are you going?

B
(suddenly worried)I gotta pee.

END