I've started writing something along the lines of about 4 or 5 dozen short stories in the past 24 hours ... partly to break in my new toy (an HP mini 1000 netbook) but mostly in a dire attempt to find a way to speak about my frustrations.

And maybe the best way is the most direct.

It's frustrating how comfortable I'm getting in my mundane little existence.  I have a great lady to share my time with, plenty of money to occupy said time with said lady, and enough activities to keep my day full.  It's frustrating because I have no desire to work the job that I work forever.  It's frustrating because allowing myself to sink deeper into said job and lifestyle does nothing to help me pursue alternate opportunities.

It's frustrating, mostly, because I'm afraid that I'm losing the desire to pursue those alternate opportunities.

It's frustrating that the things that WILL help  me move in the direction I wish to go--youtube, specifically--grow more and more difficult every day.

It's frustrating that the things I wish to do through youtube--the opportunities that truly are afforded to me--it's frustrating that they remain persistantly and tauntingly just outside my eager grasp.

And it's frustrating that I'm beginning to care less and less.

It's just frustrating.

First and foremost we have a new installment in the Jordan & Jordan Show series ... I'm calling it a retrospective piece because it comes after four teasers.  In fact, to truly appreciate this one video, I've put together a convenient playlist that combines all of the tJ&Js videos into one place.  View it now:

Secondly, I've got a personal update video coming where I also share about some of unnatural love for technology.  You probably won't like it.

Thirdly, I'm heading up to Orlando tomorrow to meet up with Josh and work on the EotU animated comic.  He's been working off of thumbnails I hashed out some time ago, so we'll pound out a few more of those so that he knows where the story is going, visually.

It's interesting to note a few things about this EotU project:

1) I had an epiphany the other day and realized how happy I was to just see this project come to fruition.  I've worked on it as a comic book, a webcomic, a screenplay, and I never thought I would really ever come as close as I am now to truly visualizing this story as I had imagined it.  I say all of this because generally, in the back of my head (or dramatically at the front, as the case may be), I'm usually trying to figure out how many people will watch this and how popular it will get so as that I might finally get a "break".  When it comes to the Explorers of the Unknown animated comic, I am truly 100% satisfied with just seeing this damn beast come to life.

2) Josh has found a rhythm and hit his stride.  We're two weeks into the illustrating process and he's been consistent and reliable.  

3) It now looks like a third person may be coming into the fold to help with the coloring of the panels.  It's too early to tell if this project will have the same effect as Talking Heads, but I'm curious to see if more people start offering their skills and talents to the production.

Josh Todd is responsible for the graphic to the right.  He's also the guy producing the artwork for the EotU animated comic.  Eventually, I plan to have him produce some cover art for the EotU:Zombies! book.

But, as I've learned with most people, I mustn't push him too hard.  Baby steps, after all.

Let it not go unsaid, however, that Josh is an outstanding artist and I am honored to have this opportunity to collaborate with him on such a unique project.

The VAMPIRES! editing/review project is going to lean rather heavily on Google Docs.  In other words, if you want to be part of the collab and you don't have a Google account yet, you best be getting on that.

The much anticipated Talking Heads miniseries is once again all-systems-go.  I'll be pissing my pants with joy if we get through the first episode the way it was scripted.

Thanks for the comments on the short story below.  It was fun to write and I hope it was a little fun to read.  I love Obsquatch's comment:

"Reading this was like eating a sledgehammer covered with old mayo. Powerful, and stomach-turning once digested. Kudos."

... the man has a way with words.

More good news: when I start to have some free time to collect myself (been busy at work), I plan to start loading more fresh content onto the website.  I've got a Flip miniHD camcorder on the way, and I plan on doing a d8 w/ d34th review video.

The question I need answers to:  why haven't you submitted a video response to this video??

It was over.
 
In fact, it was so over that when I went back--just to make sure, mind you--and I came face-to-face with the person I had spent the last eighteen months of my life with ... I felt absolutely nothing towards her.
 
It was a strange feeling.  An emotional void that filled, surprisingly, with thoughts of cheeseburgers and seasoned fries.  And a milkshake.  Strawberry.  With whipped cream and a cherry.
 
It seemed so impossible to comprehend, the lies I had convinced myself of during those eighteen months.  But it was unmistakable, the depths to which my stupidity sank.
 
So I ran.  Metaphorically.  Symbolically.  Literally.
 
The rhythm of my feet hitting the pavement was the only sound, aside from the light rush of air past my ears.  It was late at night and the air was cool--a welcome relief from the heat of the Florida day.
 
I ran at a slow but steady pace.  I intentionally left my iPod at the house.  I had no need for it tonight.
 
I didn't want the distraction of music.  I wanted silence.  I wanted to give my mind free-reign to sort through all that had gone wrong over the past eighteen months.
 
But above all, I wanted to run.  I wanted to feel my legs burn from exhaustion.  I wanted to push myself beyond all physical means until I would no longer be able to function--until I collapsed.  I wanted to exert some form of control ... if not on my marriage, then on my physical self.
 
I had met her on a cool night like this one.  Cool nights are easy to remember because there are so few of them in south Florida.  I often joke that our winter is a weekend in January and the rest of the time is our defacto rainy season.  Hot and wet.  That's south Florida.
 
Admittedly, it was an unusual cool night.  Again, I had been out running.  I do that when I feel like my life is spinning out of control.  Surely, if I cannot manage any aspect of my personal and professional life, than I can at least get out and run, right?
 
Eighteen months ago, I had just broken up with my long-time girlfriend.  We had lived together for three years and had been together for almost five.  That night, we both came to the unpleasant realization that we simply didn't love each other anymore.  We were little more than roommates who fucked every now and then.  And the sex was passionless and sterile, for that matter.
 
We had come to the realization that we were, in fact, keeping each other from living our respective lives.
 
When you reach that moment ... and when it is truly mutual ... no words need to be exchange.  There is no fighting, no pleading, no begging for a second or third chance.
 
It was over.
 
Initially, I was angry at her.  But I was younger then.  I was angry that I had wasted so much of my life on what ultimately ended with ... nothing.  To have invested so much time in a person and to walk away with absolutely nothing in return is nothing short of depressing.
 
So I ran.  That night, my run was fueled by anger, but at the core were the same reasons as today.  To get away.  To sort through the shit that had become my life.
 
I literally ran into her.  It was unfortunate and she had fallen on her ass, bruising it pretty badly.  From that moment on, as callous as it may sound, she was convenient.
 
It's surprisingly easy to get close to someone when you have a mountain of emotional shit in your life.  Call it a shoulder to cry on or a sounding board ... but as she learned more about me, the more she began to like me.
 
I think I might have been incapable of liking her, much less loving her.  I think whatever appreciation I showed towards her was simply a remnant of the failed five-year relationship.
 
Rebound.
 
We started spending more and more time together and I became more aware of this idea of a rebound.  Our first kiss was electric, but looking back I realize that the electricity came from a different place.
 
It was wrong.
 
The electricity did not spark from chemistry that I shared with this new girl, but from my own twisted mind, knowing that this was a rebound.
 
And yet ... part of me was desperate for the touch of another.  Even now I wonder if that original spark of electricity was wholly manufactured out of a desperate desire to not be alone.
 
For her, things progressed quickly.  She was young and stupid--even moreso than myself--and driven wholly by a desire for marriage and kids.
 
At the time, I thought that was what I wanted as well.
 
You can imagine how things seemed to fall into place.  In two months, we were engaged.  In another month, we were married by a judge.  Two months after that, I began emerging from the fog of my last relationship.
 
Rebound
 
Realization dawned on me far too late and I got scared.  I got angry--at myself and at her--for being so stupid.
 
Veils had begun to peel back.
 
She was adamant.  Even now, I can't understand where her love for me came from.  To have looked at her earlier and felt absolutely nothing inside and to know that she would have taken me back in an instant ... she was stupid, yes.  But I was infinitely stupider.
 
I let her convince me that we could work it out.  I let her convince me that what we had wasn't the product of a rebound.  I let her convince me that everything would be okay.
 
It shouldn't have been such a surprise when she started insisting on a baby.  I realize now that it was her idea of a fix-all--a band aid for a relationship that should have never been.
 
But like I said, I was stupid.
 
Six months into our relationship and she was pregnant.
 
Nine weeks later, she had a miscarriage.
 
The first time it happened, we thought it was a fluke ... an unfortunate act of nature.
By the third time, I knew that God Himself would not let a child be born into this truly unholy matrimony. 

I became more and more self-aware.  My perceptive abilities developed inasmuch as that I began to read people to uncanny specificity.
 
And with each passing day, I realized how wrong my life was. 

It wasn't about her.  It wasn't even about the girl before her.  It was about me.  My mistakes. 
My desperation.  My fear of loneliness.
 
My stupidity.
 
These women ... they were victims.  I had thought before that collectively, they had stolen years of my young life, wasting it on meaningless relationships ... but I realize now that it was I who had stolen the years from their lives.
 
We separated three months ago.  It was an inevitable, foregone conclusion.  In that time, I recalibrated.  I was alone for most of that time.  Literally.  At work, I sought solitude underneath the headphones of my iPod.  At home ... there was no one.  I didn't go out.  I didn't see any of my friends.  I disconnected.
 
It's amazing the change of perspective you can have after three months of solitude.  I wanted to give my wife a fair chance--I had been so wrong about the entire marriage, who was to say that I ever truly knew her?  Perhaps I would like her if I were to get to know her outside my own emotional baggage and fresh from the lies we had manufactured for ourselves.
 
I called her and we agreed to meet.  Nothing serious, just a quick encounter.  She was only too eager to see me.
 
Even now, I remain in awe at her ability to love me so selflessly.
 
When I finally saw her again, after three months of being apart ... there was absolutely nothing.
 
An emotional void.
 
Now, as I rounded the last corner back to the house, I realized why I called her in the first place.  Why, for that matter, I had wanted to give her a second chance.
 
I was a slave to my desperation.  I was scared to death of being alone.  So much so that I manufactured convoluted lies--convincing myself that despite the past eighteen months with this woman, she was still worth that second chance.
 
But there was no love there.  Not ever.  I felt nothing towards her.  And being around her only inspired thoughts of getting away from her and going to get a bite to eat.
 
And so I ran.  Not from her.  Or from the one who came before her.  And in spite of where you think this might be going, I was not even running from myself.
 
I ran from my desperation.  I ran from my fear.
 
I ran because as much as I want to be with someone, to have someone at my side ... I was incapable of honestly connecting with another person.
 
I ran because there was nothing else to do.
 
I ran because it was over. 

I have been unfortunately busy lately and, equally unfortunate, frustrated at life (in general) ... as such I haven't been able to write here as much as I care to be.

Last night I saw The Unborn.  I've never been a fan of David S. Goyer and after sitting through that movie, my opinion of his writing/directorial abilities remain unchanged.  He should stick to co-writing the Batman movies.  Seriously, don't see The Unborn.

In other movie news, I watched Pineapple Express on the Apple TV the other night (tonight I'm testing the rental feature with Tropic Thunder).  PE is a great film in all the ways that The Unborn wasn't.  And yes, Seth Rogen CAN be an action star.  And no, it's NOT about weed ... it's about witnessing a murder, guys!

By now you've no doubt noticed Sam and Kendra's departure from the interwebs.  It was fun while it lasted and pending permission, I'll repost the original videos to my channel.  In case you're wondering, there will likely be no more episodes of Split Ends.  At least, not that version of the show.

While the big Talking Heads miniseries continues to linger in limbo-hell (yes, that alliteration was unfortunate, but fun just the same ;), I went ahead and made a fun little collab with Obsquatch (you know, the guy I wasn't able to talk about enough last week).  You've probably already watched it, but what the hell--watch it again:

(Yes, I totally fucked up the aspect ratio on that video ... it should be fixed--again--in the next video.  And yes, there is a next video in the style of the one above.  The guest star honors go to youtuber severyn1982.  I should have it up tomorrow night ... and then expect another episode with Obsquatch.  Because I really just like that fucker THAT much.)

Misspacman08 took my advice and abandoned youtube.  Let me go on record here and say that despite how it may have looked, I wasn't ACTUALLY encouraging her to abandon youtube.

You wanna see something cool?  Check this out:

... life is good :)  This thing is a seriously cool piece of tech.

In order to succeed, first you must fail.

Obsquatch is fucking hilarious (and oddly sensitive/sweet ... in a totally heterosexual kind of way)

I have no illusions about actually winning this thing, but certainly is comforting to know that I'm two-for-two in screenwriting competitions for semi-finalists (the first semi-finalist placing was the EotU feature last year).

Scroll down and find "Krumbine" on the list ... Caffeine is the script with the honors (Videorama had also been submitted).